Better Yet

—for Maryka, Aaron, and LuLu

Wanting to go beyond where I’ve already been:
Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing to do?
Then why would I rather go all the way back to the day
before I was born? Second-longest day of the year,
a beautiful June morning in Decatur, Illinois.
A mother-to-be, a father-to-be, such happiness
in the prospect. As for me, I was swimming
in my mother’s ocean, getting closer to shore.
Eyes closed, the tide coming and going.
Air was a thing so far away I didn’t need to give it
any thought at all. Afterward it was about as could be
expected: happiness, sadness, confusion, shame, grief, joy.
All well and good, but better yet to be surrounded
on all sides by buoyancy. To be
about to be, eyes shut, kicking away
for all I’m worth
inside a huge darkness:
that’s the life for me!