With fists, with words, with kindness
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There are five essential sweaters I need this season, and one must-have denim that’s guaranteed to flatter every body style, even mine. There are eleven things I could throw away today to reduce clutter immediately and start living my life more freely. Why am I waiting? There are only three more hours to purchase buy-one-get-two-free candles that provide over 150 hours of burn time. These fragrance-infused favorites make excellent gifts. If I act now, I can have access to a four-minute exercise routine that will change my fitness level for life. I can get a free wristband, a free diet card for tracking my calories, and a nonstick pan for healthy cooking. It’s a $299 value for three easy payments of $60. That’s more than $100 off.
Millions of people have already beaten their addictions; all I need to do is pick up the phone. I need to protect myself from the sun. I need very specific protections. There are some that will leach chemicals into my skin. I need to beware. Too much protection, good or bad, could drastically lower my vitamin D levels, and I could end up all ivory skin and crumbling bones.
I should quit eating bacon, unless I smoke, in which case I should quit smoking first, then, when I’m ready, quit bacon. The best thing to do is eat what the cavemen ate, though I should never eat meat, except when I should, because I could be missing some key nutrients without it. Fish is conclusively good, but it’s not. Mercury. Heavy metals. On any given day coffee may prolong my life or end it. Soy is the solution, and I need to get on that soy diet fast, then monitor my estrogen levels to be sure the soy is not mimicking estrogen. Could my healthy diet be making me menopausal?
I have disappointed my political party. It hasn’t seen a contribution from me this year, and the barbarians are at the gate. It’s time to get serious. The end times are upon us, upon me. I’m being called to action. I need to fear for my country, for my very life. I need to sign an eBirthday card to show my support. I could win a dinner with the candidate for a donation of just five dollars.
It is Black Friday every day, but the deals won’t last. Today is the final day if I want those graduated crystal hoop earrings that 1,372 other shoppers have already purchased. Quantities are limited. A counter shows me how fast they are flying off the shelves. Chunky boots are back, and I should not miss this important fall style trend, or the 20-percent-off sale on select colors only. This deal is handpicked just for me, and I could wear them paired with this year’s trending top or a flirty dress, if I feel daring.
A woman in a small Texas town has discovered the one trick that dentists will hate me for, because it whitens teeth at home for pennies, or possibly with pennies. The e-booklet is $12.99 and comes with a bonus e-booklet on life hacks for the home and the secret ingredient found in every kitchen pantry that will change the way I clean forever.
Amanda R. has added a new skill to her profile, and Bethany likes an article by @pocketsinsideout. My personal information has been looked at nine times this week, and if I click the bar and pay $14.99, I can know who those nosy people are instantly. Classmates from thirty years ago are looking for me. I could increase the size of my penis, which is miraculous given my current lack of any penis at all. I’ll hate myself tomorrow if I don’t take this once-in-a-lifetime offer for black-diamond stud earrings at the astonishingly low price of $350 — not the $2,500 I would pay retail. The secret about black diamonds will be out soon. This deal is just for me and other select members. It’s a very private sale.
I’m about to get lucky. I’m about to win up to 50 percent off my next purchase. I’m about to revolutionize the way I think about skin care. Market insiders want to share their knowledge with me. I need to prepare for fluctuations.
My files may be corrupt, but help is just a click away: I wouldn’t want to lose everything, would I? My smile is the most instinctive thing I do. I deserve one that I’m proud to greet the world with. My glasses are a major part of my professional statement. I should never pay exorbitant prices for one pair when I can get two quality pairs of glasses, contacts, or no-line bifocals for a fraction of the cost. It’s time to shed my dependence on bulky eyewear and get a free consultation for permanent surgical correction.
It’s hard to believe I’m still living with stubborn stains and unsightly scratches in my hardwood floors when I could eliminate them with one swipe of a groundbreaking polymer developed by NASA. Two swipes at most. Of course I want to look twenty years younger and be the envy of all my friends. The first thousand callers will get a surprise gift. I will pay only shipping and handling and will receive an attractive quilted zipper tote at no cost to me. I can keep the tote even if I send back the purchase.
But I must call or go to the website now. I can use the promo code FOREVER.
Operators are standing by to take my order.
Everyone is waiting. On me.